Drop the Judgment, Nurture Discernment

Raise your hand if you’re tired of trying to please people only to barely survive their judgments of you. Keep that hand up if you’re tired of using your precious energy to judge yourself and others.

There are few areas of life people are more concerned about being judged than how they earn, invest, save and spend their money. Maybe what they eat is a close second. (Note: Do NOT, I repeat, Do NOT suggest that you forgo group snacks at your child’s soccer game. I’m still stinging from that social media thread from 2010.)

The “I HATE Budgeting (But I Like Having Money)” support group met to discuss this topic.

My thought for this discussion was this: We humans have a tendency (some more than others) to form opinions about what is “right” and then proceed to condemn people (maybe even ourselves!) who do not live their lives according to our idea of what is “right.”

For example, we may believe that it is “right” to avoid credit card debt. Perhaps we know someone who has found themselves in this financial predicament and think, “Well, she shouldn’t have done thus-and-so. I don’t do thus-and-so and therefore I am right and safe from such a predicament.”

What good does this kind of judgment do? What benefit does it offer?
Answer: NOTHING, it merely keeps us stuck in a thought pattern.
And, just so you know, humble pie is always on the menu.

We had a great discussion about this topic of judgment and how it affects our decisions with money. Janine, one of our regulars, remarked how judgment is essential to navigate life, to make decisions. I don’t disagree, but I think she is saying poTAto and I am saying potato.

You will always be faced with decisions and will need to consult your inner wisdom to guide you to a choice that aligns with your values and priorities.
It helps if you have identified your values and priorities.
Others’ values & priorities may be different
and that must be okay with you if you hope to have peace.

Another regular, Mari McNeil, clarified that the kind of judgment we’re trying to avoid is not the one that assesses but, rather, the one that condemns (self or others). Precisely! Discernment, on the other hand, is seeking to know more and be guided by wisdom, patience and love.

Mari also shared that it is our job to love our family members and friends and that means allowing them to make mistakes – even disastrous ones – and be there to love them anyway. (Did I mention that buying rental property with a boyfriend isn’t a great idea? The fact that my parents and eventually my beloved husband love me despite that choice is huge.)

I work with a lot of people who avoid making any financial decisions because they’re afraid of making a mistake (read: lose money and be judged/pitied). Do you know what happens if you avoid making financial decisions? You’ll be left “wandering and squandering” and PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU ANYWAY!!!!

If we can learn to practice discernment to guide our financial decisions and also practice loving kindness with ourselves and our loved ones, we can then apply it to the broader world around us and lead lives of hope, peace and contentment.

I’m grateful to have received an email from one of my favorite (okay, they’re all my favorite) client’s today that included the sentence, “And for beginners (at whatever stage of life), you explain things clearly, without judgment.” I couldn’t ask for a more beautiful compliment! That indicates that I am doing my job: Creating a safe space for you to learn about money so you can make good decisions (as uniquely defined by you).

Need more than a blog post? Check out my new website www.lauberfinancialplanning.com and go to the “Let’s Talk” tab.

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Can Financial Planning Keep You From Sinning?

“She’s really writing that? Who does she think she is?!”

I am a financial planner who is trying to make the world a better place, that’s who I am.

And for the world to be a better place, we all need to behave in ways that support what “better” looks like. And while that is open for interpretation, in general most people want to be loved, respected, accepted and valued.

We become upset when we are not loved, respected, accepted and valued.
When we are upset, we can do things that aren’t so nice (i.e. be jealous, steal, lie, etc. = sins), causing others to feel unloved, disrespected, not acceptable (not good enough) and not valuable. And on it goes. Yuck!
Therefore, I have a lot of work to do with the medium I know best: money.

Since I also study faith and belief systems as a hobby, I can easily find the common denominator present in all faith (and non-faith) belief systems: The Golden Rule.

The Golden RuleI think you’d agree that most of us want world peace. But we can and will only have world peace when we actively choose it- every second of the day – over our pride and desires in our corner of the world. That’s where financial planning can help. Stick with me here.

I came across this at a networking meeting, a Danielle LaPorte “truthbomb:”Danielle LaPorte truthbomb_114

I pondered this thought for days after the event. What did I desire so much that it felt greedy? Result: I wanted certain family members and friends to acknowledge the value of the work I do, and I thought producing a certain amount of income (I have no idea how much) from the work I do would prove my work’s value; my value.

WRONG.

But there it is. I can now better understand myself and my motives and can extend that understanding to others through the work I do as a financial planner.

Desire, that’s a big part of the equation. Our desire for material things increases exponentially when our needs for love, respect, acceptance and being valued aren’t being met.

If we do not have the resources to purchase what we believe will help us feel loved, respected, accepted and valued, we may resort to theft, gambling, debt and other ways of obtaining what we believe we need…and down the less-virtuous rabbit hole we go.

Financial planning, when done in a compassionate atmosphere, has the ability to shine a light on your life and what you would have it to be and then look to your resources and how you can make decisions with them in order to have the life you envision, to be your authentic self, without the need for outside validation. This leads to self preservation and self-growth; the two beautifully illustrated elements in my company’s logo (the shield and the flower, respectively).

Financial planning will help make clear what resources you actually need and how to obtain them to have a fulfilling life, to feel secure, and to be generous, loving and respectful towards others.

You know the truth, that money won’t buy you happiness or love
but you might be afraid to live by it.

I think it’s because you would have to abandon
what you’ve learned about money, people and life
and that may feel like a betrayal of your own thoughts.

I invite you to just try this truth on like you would a pair of shoes
and see where those new shoes lead you.
“Lead us not into temptation…”

Want more than just a blog post? I help people of all levels of income and wealth (or no wealth, yet) take control of their finances, make good decisions and experience peace & abundance. http://www.lauberfinancialplanning.com

Posted in Charitable giving, Faith & Finances, Living the life of your dreams, Marriage and Money, Money & Spirituality, Money in relationships, Personal Finance with a twist | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love Your Inner Fool (But Don’t Give It the Credit Card!)

“Do not talk long with a fool or visit a stupid man.
Beware of him, or you may be in trouble
and find yourself bespattered when he shakes himself.
Avoid him, if you are looking for peace,
and you will not be worn out by his folly.”

~ Ecclesiasticus 22:13

Bespattered, that’s a funny word.

Studies show that you are as smart and as financially sound as the five people with whom you spend the most time.

Our “I HATE Budgeting (But I Like Having Money)” support group met to discuss the topic of the Inner Fool. Here are some insights:

  • The Inner Fool often enjoys splurging & living in the moment, like the story of the grasshopper and the ant.

…And then the Inner Guru (Ant) is left to find ways to pay for the splurges.

  • The Inner Fool believes “I’ll get the money to pay for this.”

…And the Inner Guru has to figure out what to do when the money isn’t there.

  • The Inner Fool spends to please another person.

…And the Inner Guru eventually realizes that it’s not necessary to over spend in a truly loving, respectful  relationship and perhaps Mom was right that buying rental property with a boyfriend wasn’t such a good idea. Oh, right, that’s just me.

  • The Inner Fool is naturally hopeful and optimistic, believes in the Law of Attraction and other forms of magical thinking.

But the Inner Guru becomes afraid with all of this silliness and makes the Inner Fool feel stupid and childish. Somehow having a scarcity (versus abundance) mindset can give the illusion that it’s more practical and in control.

  • The Inner Fool looks to credit cards with low introductory rates as relief and a reason to buy more (the Inner Fool may also feel inadequate and may be driven to accumulate/acquire to fill the void).

But the Inner Guru uses strategy with credit cards to accumulate points,
miles and cash; using time and money wisely, and disciplining him/herself
with healthy habits blah blah blah…

You see, it’s hard to make up your mind when you’re constantly receiving conflicting information in your own head, let alone from outside sources!

What financial role modeling did you receive? What type of thinking do you most lean on: the Inner Fool or the Inner Guru? Are you one of the few who can listen to both?

Here’s the thing: You must Love and Forgive your Inner Fool and give it a voice in your financial affairs, just don’t give it a voice in the practical ones. Your Inner Fool can help keep you hopeful and trying; very necessary positive energies when running the financial marathon that is life. This positive energy will also help you become more empathetic towards others and seek help for yourself.

One of the most loving suggestions of the day was this: Use April Fool’s Day to be truly foolish, like a day pass for frivolity. Just set a budget…and use cash. 🙂

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Budgeting For Self-Care / Budgeting As Self-Care

“Stop asking your life and your body to do things for you
and begin to do some things for your life and body.”
~David Drost, Evolation Yoga“Buffalo Magazine” February 5, 2017

This is the perfect beginning of a post about how budgeting (money, time and energy) can support our self-care efforts, and how taking care of ourselves can help us budget (our money, time and energy) more effectively.
Our beloved support group met February 4th to discuss well-being; “Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.” Here are the highlights:

  • Q. What is wisdom?
  • A. Something that comes with age, but you’re never “done,” you’re always improving, learning how to react/respond to life, to know when to let go of things, relationships and thoughts that no longer serve you.
  • Learn to be comfortable not knowing even while you are seeking your own truth.

 

  • Q.When have you felt “wise?”
  • A. When you care less about what other people think and have the confidence to make the right decisions for you, to pay attention to what makes you come alive and be filled with passion.

 

  • Q. What aspects of your life contribute to your health & well-being?
  • A. Spending time with loved ones, sleeping, nourishing yourself with good food, art, beauty, music, literature, nature.

 

  • Q. How can you incorporate more of this into your life?
  • A. Be more intentional with your time and your relationships including your relationship with money, be proactive rather than living on autopilot.  Learn to set limits and nurture healthy boundaries.

 

  • Q. What aspects of your life are an obstacle to health and well-being?
  • A. Social media can help us get and stay connected (which contribute to well-being) but it undoubtedly is a diversion!
  • A. Work
  • A. Negative self-talk
  • Q. What can be done about the obstacles?
  • A. Set limits.
  • A. Claim some time, schedule it in your calendar, phone, Microsoft Outlook etc. Go for a walk, exercise, get some fresh air, get out in nature; it’ll remind you of the fact that there is a purpose for and an order to all of life.

 

  • Q. What is one way you could use your time more intentionally to promote your health & wealth?
  • A. Set a timer with the parts of your life that you want to limit.
  • A. See above about claiming time for the things that matter to you. If you don’t make time for it, it must not be a priority!

 

  • Q. What is one way you could use your money more intentionally to promote your health & wealth?
  • A. Buy healthy, organic foods.
  • A. Decide if you’re using your gym membership or if a scheduled walk a few times per week or a yoga class is more achievable and enjoyable.
  • A. Create personal financial policy statement.

 

  • Q. What is one way you could use your energy (attention, thoughts, activity) more intentionally to promote your health & wealth?
  • A. Do one small task, create one small change of habit to foster other changes (such as brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand).
  • A. Be in the now, practice mindfulness.
  • A. Do a vision board or book, focus on what is good in life that you would welcome more of in your life.

See, you’re not alone, not at all! We all are doing the best we can, with the resources we have, with the time we’re allotted. Be kind to yourself and share that kindness with others.

If you’d like more than just a blog post to improve your financial well-being, contact me to schedule an appointment.

Rainbow

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Thoughts on Worth, Value and Income

“Never confuse the size of your paycheck with the size of your talent.”
~ Marlon Brando

That could go both ways (being overpaid or underpaid). Our beloved Bill Knoche presented on this topic at the monthly meeting of the “I HATE Budgeting (But I Like Having Money)” support group.

Here’s the thing: Money (thinking about it, talking about it, making decisions about it) gets to a very tender place in all of us.
And as Bill pointed out, “We confuse what we do and what we have with who we are and our perfection.”

I’m committed to reminding myself of the magic that is me (not in a “I’m a precious snowflake” kind of way, but in a “I am valuable” kind of way), despite the checkbook or net worth statement. But even with the work I do, I am not immune to wanting more (and feeling guilty for those thoughts) and feeling elated when I see that the investments my IRA have increased in value. We’re all a work in progress.

Bill made many valuable points and I am happy to share them.

  • Slow down.
  • Don’t live your life on autopilot.
  • Become more aware of yourself including what you need & what drives/motivates you.
  • Be gentle with yourself.
  • You were born a “10,” you’ll live your life as a “10,” and you’ll die a “10.”
    Thoughts that value you <10 are bullshit.
    We were directed to the words of Werner Erhard, (while I couldn’t find the quote he mentioned, this one is appropriate): “If you’re not all right the way you are it takes a lot of effort to get better. Realize you’re all right the way you are, and you’ll get better naturally.”
  • Invest in yourself, especially in improving your communication skills because it’ll result in more satisfying relationships. It’s easier to listen to others when you already know you’re a “10;” your attention and energy won’t be so focused on proving you are a “10.”
  • Childhood behaviors are no longer effective.
  • It’s okay to break the “rules.”
  • It’s okay to cry.
  • Life’s better when you’re laughing.

What I’d like the  world to know is that money is only one way to define worth and value (and an ineffective one at that); there are many other successful ways.

Bill shared this nugget: “You’ll never outperform your concept of self; you will self-correct the moment you outperform your expectation.”

fool's gold

(Fool’s gold)

But how can we change this? What are we willing to give up and willing to let go of in order to choose a different experience or outcome?

Here’s a question Bill suggested we ask ourselves, “What would make me proud of myself today?” I couple that with a quote by Dr. Paul Homoly, “Make all decisions based on the person your would like to become.”

Bill says, “We all do stuff we know isn’t good for us. Rather than judge ourselves, laugh it off, it’s a rebellion!” If you don’t (laugh it off), that self-judgment will only feed the shadow of your ego who won’t let you succeed; it’ll keep reminding you of your shortcomings.

As Nancy Rizzo Okay Fearmy dear friend, life coach Nancy Rizzo always says, “No shoulds, have-tos, or forcing…simple, comfortable, doable and your way” is the way to stay on, what Nancy calls, “The Joy Road.”

We were asked to name our two takeaways from the meeting. For me, they were:

  1. Is this (thought, belief, expectation, assumption) true?
  2. If it’s not, what could be true? What possibilities await?

Join the discussion here, at a meeting, or on Facebook.

Posted in Living the life of your dreams, Personal Finance with a twist, Psychology of Money | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Three Steps to Making Better Financial & Life Choices

Dear Procrastinators, I get it. It’s much too difficult to determine what to do about your financial situation that, for the sake of your mental health, it only makes sense to play it “safe” and do nothing.

Dear Go-getters, I get it. You want to get things done so that you can stop being harassed by your never-ending to do list and feel like you’ve accomplished something.

If you’re single, you may have both aspects pulling you in different directions. You may wonder how in the world you can navigate these decisions on your own. I assure you that you can.

If you’re married, you most likely are married to your opposite and you may be thinking that you should’ve thought about it more before vowing to stay together “for richer or for poorer,” right?

My husband and I have a teenage daughter who is pretty great most of the time but sometimes acts like the teenager she is. She had a very typical – though foul – teenage response to something the other day. Consequences ensued.

I explained that, unless and until she learns to control herself – her mouth and actions – she will never have choices, she will always be a victim of her lesser impulses.

As long as we are in reaction mode, we’re not really choosing, we’re not intentional, we’re the victim of our (admittedly sometimes bad) habits and allow them to control our lives and financial situations. Don’t you want more? Don’t you want better?

You may have heard the term “decision fatigue.” We have too many choices and our brains can only handle so much. How can you make good, wise, confident decisions with your money when you’re tank is empty?

I invite you to radically simplify your life in order to empower yourself to make better, wiser choices with your money, your health, your relationships etc. There are three steps you can take toward this simplified, mindful living:

  1. Define your priorities; what you need and value most in life.
  2. Detach from the need for other’s approval. This is easier after successfully completing #1. Fully love and accept yourself and your choices.
  3. Create a filter through which all decisions are made. This filter can also serve as a shield to protect you from the potential onslaught of differing opinions-even those in your own head.

For example, I need projects & purpose in my life but I also need quiet time to read and study. I value both, but I will put more value on one or the other based on my energy at the time. Before taking on another project, I look at my life and determine if I honestly have the time and energy for it without stealing from my quiet time. If not, then it’s much easier to say, “No” confidently, and let it go. Simple. Effective.

The same is true of financial decisions. Right now, my husband and I need to focus on our daughter’s education. Because of that, other financial decisions are weighed against this expense and if a purchase puts funding her education in jeopardy, we simply decide against it. Some people may think we’re cheap but that’s their hang up, not ours.

You can see how this process helps procrastinators by giving them direction and clarity to make decisions and how it helps to impulsive/go-getters by helping them cultivate a reliably good habit by which to make better (even if quick) decisions.say-no

Need some more help? Let’s talk.

 

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The Joy of Giving (& Not Going Broke)

How can you be generous if you’re secretly worried about paying your bills?

How can you really enjoy the holidays when you’re emotionally overwhelmed and feeling undone?

Our own joyful budgeter Mari McNeil presented this very challenging subject and the group’s participation did not disappoint.

Thankfully, not everyone agreed! That may sound odd but to be honest, I’d be surprised if everyone did because the holidays (relationships + money + expectations) can create unique emotions that most of us would prefer to avoid or ignore. And, of course, we all have our own lens on the world.

Mari started the conversation by asking us all to share one simple thing that makes us happy during the holidays.

Responses here were quite similar: The special music/ food/ decorations, gathering, going to church and participating in giving to charity and/or showing extra kindnesses.

Then she asked what we would like to change about the holidays. Most answers revolved around the theme of “More time” to actually enjoy the holidays and “Fewer demands and expectations.”

Mari asked us, “Do you remember when it wasn’t like this?”

Indeed, most of us do.

Someone mentioned, “It’s because we didn’t have the money” (to spend) and another participant replied, “I don’t think most people have the money now, either, they just put it on credit.” Things that make you go, “Hmmm.”

  • What was the best gift you received last year?
    Don’t feel bad if you couldn’t recall, most could not.
  • What was the best gift you gave last year?
    Once again, few could recall anything spectacular.

There was lots of conversation about how gifts get re-gifted, put out for the garage sale, donated, returned, or thrown into the landfill. This is potentially because some of us are imposing our tastes (and expectations) onto the recipient of our gift. The result is that we’re paying a price financially, emotionally and environmentally.

How can we rethink this time of year both financially and practically?

Mari suggested that we approach this time of year intentionally and mindfully (this helps you develop clarity and motivation), to think about how to express generosity in a way that works, and then create a plan. Moreover, you have to be brave enough to start a new conversation about the topic.

One participant shared that her family doesn’t do the traditional Christmas gifts; during the year, whenever you really needed or wanted something, they bought it for each other exclaiming, “Today is Christmas” and then simply enjoying each other’s company during the actual holiday. How lovely!

Mari generously offered us many gift alternatives to consider such as:

  • giving experiences (vacations, hosting a walk in the woods with a winter picnic of cocoa and other treats, a painting class etc.), consumables, and home-made gifts
  • adopting a family (invite those who don’t have holiday plans to come for dinner) and/or a charitable cause (you can buy someone in a third world country a cow, a chicken, or a well for fresh water)
  • performing acts of service (perhaps with your family and/or friends) a/k/a 12 days of random acts of kindness
  • writing a letter telling that person what you remember and admire most about them
  • giving used/gag/funny gifts

4-gifts

Have you read the book, The 5 Love Languages? It will likely help you identify what you would most like to receive and what others are likely to desire to receive.

If you’re looking for additional resources and inspiration, check out:

If you’d like to be notified of the support group meetings and/or to receive my quarterly newsletter, simply email me at ajlauber@lauberfinancialplanning.com.

Posted in Budgeting, Living the life of your dreams, Money in relationships, Personal Finance with a twist, Psychology of Money, Tackling debt | Tagged , | 2 Comments